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Lifelong Amateurism

by Cat Apostrophe

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1.
January 03:22
I am a darkened TV starlet I’ll be there when you can’t sleep at night I’m made of these broken lines The colours fades, the noise in the back of my head They tell everything is wrong with me I think I just need to get some sleep January calls for self-improvement My clothes don’t fit, my hair’s a mess, I dropped ketchup on my skirt I am worth more than they all tell me I’ll be here when January comes again They tell everything is wrong with me I think I just need to get some sleep
2.
The world is fucked, let's make a nut roast for our heartache and sit around a table on a winter's afternoon we'll eat until our buttons burst we can destroy our enemies with one meal you and me need to feed our souls let's find the answers at the bottom of a bowl we'll get a bag of chips on the way home i want to know we're doing okay now i want to know we're doing okay now i want to know we're doing okay now
3.
Today has been an awful day I want you to know you’re great I want to tell you that you’re not on your own I want to be able to pick up the phone I can’t tell you that it will be okay I can’t tell you that we’ll feel safe You’re worth more than this
4.
Broken 02:52
Go to university I don’t want you to be like me don’t hang out with him don’t sleep with her i don’t want you to be like them I wonder why the world is broken all the time Why I can’t sleep and you’re never awake at night I wonder how I’ll be able to pay the bills why we can’t experience life on an even keel I just don’t go around there I bet it wasn’t easy for you I want you to come over for tea but I worry what you’d think of me I wonder why the world is broken all the time Why I can’t sleep and you’re never awake at night I wonder how I’ll be able to pay the bills why we can’t experience life on an even keel
5.
The best advice you gave me was to trust no one I keep those words close as a locket to my heart When I’m in the street I pretend I’m ten foot high I take up all the space whenever you come by I’m like a hedgehog, prickly as fuck I’ll curl up in some leaves a little ball of spikes When I’m in the street I pretend I’m ten foot high I take up all the space whenever you come by
6.
Small Things 03:53
We went along the road to see the cats we used to know then we spent our saturday alone in no clothes when i can't see a way out of this and love feels like a finite resource i can't believe that you still like me and i deserve to be happy i am a rusty bolt that can't be moved for you i go out by myself to see the sky burn bright blue when i can't see a way out of this and love feels like a finite resource i can't believe that you still like me and i deserve to be happy
7.
I went to the park today I had an ice cream you went to your job today I left my room I went to the supermarket I bought vegetables you went to your job today I changed my clothes no one will congratulate you for the bath you took but sometimes those smaller things mean more than you could ever know if all you could do today is breathe then that's okay you're worth more than the work you did today
8.
Day Trip 03:02
empty shores, blue grey landscapes strong thighs, you open wide rolling spaces, broken cars long nights, so hard to feel tired lights are all I see greedy hands, never seen again
9.
I saw you at the bus stop just the other day It seemed like you’d aged 25 years But when I saw you suddenly I’m back Cross legged on yr dad’s bedroom carpet And you’re leaning in to kiss me You won’t look me in the eye now I’m thirty now and everything has changed I’m thirty now and I still feel the same I wish I’d known how hard it is to grow up I wish I’d known I could choose who to fuck And you’re leaning in to kiss me You won’t look me in the eye now Something is breaking inside of me I can’t believe we ever hung out What was I thinking? x4
10.
Waiting Room 04:46
In another hard lit waiting room I discover all I meant to you I uncover all my broken bones and I wonder how I stayed so long and all I want to do is see you after even though it took so long to find a way out I find traces of your words in my own thoughts I push them out of all the places I shut you out of Alone I start to breathe again forge my own space out of your bedroom I uncover all I was before and I wonder how I stayed so long and I find I think less of you each day you fade into another fuzzy patch of heartache I find traces of your words in my own thoughts I push them out of all the places I shut you out of

credits

released July 19, 2019

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Cat Apostrophe Leeds, UK

Radically soft pop
catapostropheband@gmail.com for shows and nice words

Twitter @cat_apostrophe

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